The War Through the Eyes of Meduza Readers. Today We Are Publishing a Letter from Ivan in Russia

Meduza — LIVE:

War. What is happening on day 1547 The US president’s special envoy Steven Witkoff will come to Moscow. According to Russian presidential aide Yury Ushakov, this will happen "in the coming weeks." There are no other details yet. The Kremlin announced Witkoff’s upcoming visit…

The War Through the Eyes of Meduza Readers. Today We Are Publishing a Letter from Ivan in Russia

It is very hard to describe what I am feeling right now. It is like a psychological experiment being forcibly conducted on me. From the very first reports of Russia’s attack, I had a clear attitude toward it. There could not be two truths here. My country was committing evil, I was ashamed of it, and because of my helplessness I suffered, only sometimes cutting myself off completely from the news flow so that, in ignorance, I could at least breathe a little.

And now the torture has become more sophisticated. Those I worry about and before whom I am ready to ask forgiveness for the rest of my life have started killing my loved ones, firing at us. These are not military targets, not palaces in Gelendzhik. These are homes where, most likely, there are hostages of the regime just like me. And I understand that these are reciprocal measures. That we ourselves are to blame for this. That, probably, it is impossible in Ukraine’s place to play noble, especially in such an unequal battle. But people are dying. And now I cannot take anyone’s side. I want to slip into a coma so I do not have to think about whose side I am on now.

You too can share your thoughts about the war with Meduza through the feedback form.

@meduzalive