The war through Meduza readers’ eyes. Today we are publishing a letter from Igor in Moscow

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The war through Meduza readers’ eyes. Today we are publishing a letter from Igor in Moscow

I saw a letter from someone who was 15 when the war began. I couldn’t hold back. I was 19. Second year of university. I didn’t understand at all what had happened, I was far from politics, I even snickered at the “liberakhas.” There was no humanism of any kind in my head. Am I ashamed of myself? Yes.

My university friend and I did not realize for some time what was going on. Then I started listening to and reading about what was happening there. I was probably pushed by a grim curiosity. The first time left me with a heavy feeling. I began to think. What if I had not been lucky enough to be born in a place where war had come? What if my loved ones were suffering and dying? What is happening to the cats (I have a cat myself — the most precious thing in my life) and dogs who never got to see their people come home?

I began to hate war. As a phenomenon. And to listen more to people who felt the same way. I learned that you can speak in more than just the language of hatred. I learned that aggression and violence do not solve problems, they only create them. I had to grow up and become aware of the reality around me. I fell out with my family. We still talk, but now it is only small talk about the weather and funny cats.

For so long I hoped that “all this” would end soon. One of my few friends left the country. And I kept thinking it was temporary, that it would end soon, it would become safe, and he would come back. I kept thinking that, and then one day I realized that two years or so had already passed, and nothing was going to end soon. Now I am already used to it, and I have little faith that my friend and I will meet in person in the foreseeable future.

Until the last few months, I was relying on the luck of living in the capital. I thought nothing would definitely reach us — there is air defense everywhere. But it turns out it absolutely can. I am very afraid for my friends. I read the names of familiar places in Moscow and the surrounding region, and look on the map to see how close they are to their homes or workplaces. I hate that if something happens, I will not be able to do anything. And if something terrible does happen, I am sure the first thing the authorities will do is cut off communications.

We would all like to leave, but the reality is that there are not many opportunities, we do not really have any valuable experience or skills either, and it is scary. It is scary to leave a place where everything is familiar to you, where you know the language, where there are people you know.

I would like to worry about everyday trifles, not drones, mobilization, militarization, the economic crisis, or the loss of communications. And an acquaintance from Kyiv said that living on the top floor is dangerous, and that I should go down to the first floor if anything happens. I am afraid that one day I will have to panic-catch my cat and run, leaving behind all the stuff dear to my heart.

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